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When a picture that is worth a thousand words still doesn’t account for much

(How to develop the most indispensable relationship tool: Presence)

It was the most amazing sunset I had ever seen.

A steady rain broke just long enough to enjoy the setting sun. We were on an island in northern Puget Sound in Washington, just south of the Canadian border. Over the half hour that we stayed on that beach before the rain returned, we watched the sky turn from a mix of azure and gold to a deep reddish hue.

The colors were vibrant and breathtaking. A lone trawler passed in the sea in the distance. . .

---

This isn’t working.

I have searched for the words to truly convey this experience, this sunset. I can’t. I’ve re-written this introduction several times. It is a singular experience etched in my brain, and the words to describe it simply escape me.

As I attempt to relate this experience to you, I can only come up with one ingredient that would help me faithfully translate this one-of-a-kind sunset.

You

There are no words that I can write; no pictures that I can share that would put you on that beach. I was there. You were not. And because of your lack of presence, there will always be something missing in the translation. My words and my pictures can’t convey the experience.


Look to the west and you have a breathtaking sunset.
Look to the east and you have a wide vibrant rainbow.

It doesn't look like it from the pictures, does it?

You had to be there. No words or pictures can really do it justice.

 

But what if you were there
and I could still not convey the experience to you?

Imagine you are standing on the beach with me. There is the sunset, the sea, the trawler in the background, and that amazing change of color right before our eyes. But while I absorb the experience, you are distracted.

Maybe your muscles ache from a day of activity.
Maybe you are hungry and really need dinner.
Maybe the rain and cold is making you miserable.
Maybe your camera ran out of batteries and you are fretting about not capturing the experience on film.

Whatever the reason, the result is the same. In your distraction, it’s as if you were not there. I am left with a memory for a lifetime. You have been lost in distraction. Any attempt I make to convey the experience—no matter the words or pictures I show you—will be lacking.

That is the gap between hindsight and . . . sight

Recall a difficulty you had with a client. Were you able to trace your problems back to a prior event that didn’t catch your notice at the time? You are not alone. Most of us select what is important to attend to at any point in a conversation.

We make choices that are important in the moment, but bypass clues that could have prevented later problems. This can be nothing more than an attempt to stay focused on a specific issue or outcome in the throes of negotiation. But, missing important clues in interaction might also be the result of the same thing that prevented you from enjoying that sunset when you were standing next to me.

The Ultimate Discernment Tool: Presence

 

If you can keep your head when all about you others
   Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
   But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
   Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
   And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;
. . .
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
   Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
-Rudyard Kipling, If

The ability to be present with your client is a vital skill for decoding behavior and providing the most valuable information for pre-empting difficulties. But, presence is very difficult to define.

What does presence look like? Here are a few examples:

  • You are driving your car through a busy intersection. You are late for an important appointment. The kids are fighting in the back, your radio is turned up so that you can here the weather and traffic report, and your stomach is rumbling with hunger. Yet, you stop at a green light as a car drives very fast against the red light. Despite the distractions, you are able to preserve life and limb of you and your family.
  • You are berated by a perfect stranger who uses foul language and shows an aggressive posture toward you. In addition to being on-guard with his aggression and language, you still can consider the value of the issue he is taking with you. And you find a way to diffuse the encounter without incident.
  • You have been falsely accused of embezzling from your employer. Yet, you can still process the clues that reveal where the money has gone and who is responsible. Rather than going to defense—raising a defensive posture with your employer—you are able to ask three questions that allow your accuser to see the truth.

Presence is the ability to maintain perspective in the face of a highly emotional event; an event that induces a fight-or-flight response. Yet rather than give in to the flood of adrenaline that pumps into your brain—threatening to disrupt rational control—you keep your wits about you.

But, presence is so much more:

  • It is the ability to be both participant and objective observer. You can perceive your actions as if you were standing on the outside looking in. You evaluate your actions by the results you seek to achieve.
  • You maintain loyalty to your intention to a specific outcome without having an expectation of achieving it. Human action is often influenced by the need for gratification, often immediate. Presence produces action that has value without regard to “when I get mine.” You know in your heart your purpose will come. You don’t know when. Yet, you have the ability to remove yourself from any ownership of the outcome.
  • It is when failure motivates you to problem-solve in the moment, rather than reflect on the loss of any esteem, security, or respect needs.

Presence allows your awareness to be at its most optimal.
Presence provides you the most options.
Presence gives you the best chance of thinking effectively “on-your-feet.”

Presence gives you the freedom to take action, and leverage that action—success or failure—to its greatest effect.

But as presence is vital . . .

It is even harder to master

Presence is a soft skill. There is no sequence that you can follow. In any given moment in time, you either have it or you do not. And it appears to be easier to learn, if you can teach yourself.

Here’s a few factors to keep in mind to help you teach yourself how to by present.

Recognize the obstacles to presence

Presence is a skill that is best described by dichotomies. You have to be both invested and detached, still and active, patient and urgent. Presence is the ability to take the full inventory of everything within your experience. The experience of what is going on inside of you and outside.

This inventory is hardest to compile when your focus narrows to a specific point and you ignore or disregard all other factors. This is most likely to occur when your emotions take hold. In order to cope, you are left with only a fight-or-flight choice.

Consider the threat, but also be aware of all other factors. Become a reliable witness to the events going on within you and without.

Know your triggers

Recognize your needs and what steps you typically take to secure those needs. And learn to be mindful of how securing those needs can interfere with more appropriate objectives in any given interaction.

Triggers are often referred to as “hot buttons.” Triggers refer to events or statements that produce a strong emotive response within you. Triggers are likely to be connected to your esteem, respect, or security needs.

In a given client interaction, how might your security, esteem, or respect needs play a role in distracting you from taking an accurate inventory of the situation?

  • Criticism – When criticized, how might you fall into a defensive posture rather than considering the content of the response or your client’s perspective? How might your client’s security, esteem, or respect needs influence his criticism of you?
  • Flattery – How could flattery distract you from other factors: your client’s motivation or other content factors?
  • Money – the promise of more or the threat of less can induce a security-based response.
How like a muscle

The ability to develop presence works very much like a muscle. The more that you can make a conscious choice to be present; your ability to be present will be stronger when it is most critical.

As you grow in competence, present will be less an exercise and more a component of how you relate to the world around you.

The difference presence makes

The base of your experience, your relationships, is the moment. I, like you, have walked away from numerous interactions thinking, “If I could have only said or done ______.” There is value to going back and making corrective steps. But, every minute that passes between the moment and the response diminishes the power of that response.

Presence allows you to:

  • Shift gears in the moment, when you realize that what you are doing is not working.
  • Be humble enough to ask for help, when you don’t know how to proceed.
  • Be articulate enough to crystallize the issues in front of you.
  • Find the perspective to recognize the obstacles to your intentions.
  • Serve the interests of your client.

And eventually,

Experience a lifetime of your own sunsets.

Happy Client Retaining,

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© 2004-2007 Jeff Simon Consulting. All Rights Reserved. Wouldn't you love to peer into your client's head and know what they are thinking and feeling? Could you have better success at keeping and choosing your best clients if you could decode their behavior? Check out the Happy Clients Newsletter at: www.happyclientsnewsletter.com.

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